Funny Status Messages

   I want to know... when someone says they are going to kick your ass, why do they punch you in the face?

   anyone going to tell America's Funniest Home Videos about youtube?

   Conserve energy: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?

   If your relationship has more issues than a magazine stand then I suggest you cancel that subscription!

   Dear Tampax... a few thoughts.. World peace.. Vibrating tampons... you're welcome.

   The Pinky Toe:The most sensitive part of your body when it comes to finding furniture in the Dark.

   Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.

   I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

   I miss the good old days when rock stars abused drugs and alchohol. Now they abuse auto-tune and Photoshop.

   Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"

   I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Microsoft Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my eleven page essay that I swear I didn't make any changes to.!

   We should feed tuna fish mayonnaise, thereby saving a step in the sandwich making process

   You mean to tell me people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?

   Tonight I'm going to have my favorite drink. It's called "a lot."

   So when is this 'old enough to know better' suppose to kick in ?

   I will take a boring joke here any day over any more Zimmerman p0sts.

   I'm just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.

   Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman's mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. Time.

   I bet Jim Harbaugh used to unplug the Nintendo when his brother was winning.

   I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my debit card goes through.