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Please don't cry. You look ugly when you cry - me consoling a crying woman 
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I'm feeling super old and bitter.
"That looks interesting. I think I'll eat it." - Sharks and Toddlers
"I only like you as a friend, but I'm not going to tell you until you fall in love with me, because I want to break your heart." - Women
I knew we were gonna be friends when you ran into that wall.
Gay Marriage legal and not one Bruce Jenner joke. You guys need to step up your game.
Yes,, I'll come to your third wedding,, but let it be known that your gift will be a set of irregular sheets.
LIFE HACK: Just eat your burrito over a tortilla,,, anything that falls out, will simply start building your next burrito
Facebook: Where others entertain you with their boredom.
having more ups and downs than a hookers panties today.
The entire French language is a choking hazard.
making an omelet out of Cadbury Eggs and jellybeans.
There are only 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't.
Whenever I say, "I don't mean that in a bad way," I usually do.
Oh so the "wind is blowing" huh? Thanks for that description genius. But tell me this, have you ever felt wind that doesn't blow?
Dear Nosey Friend, I know you're reading my inbox while You're "playing" with my phone.
Im so sick of my smartphone. If technology was up to me, we'd just now be getting around to the whistle thingy when a tea kettle gets hot.
The future is not a place where you go, It's a place you create.
You can tell you have been on the road too long when you pull out the key fob that opens up your car doors and keep hitting the button trying to open the front door to the house.
No Ma'am, Wireless-G isn't a rapper. 