flinnie Funny Status Messages

   I'm beginning to think Queen Latifah is not actually a queen.

   "My God, they spilled glass shards, tacks and honey on this floor. How will we get it up?" Law & Order: Special Vacuums Unit

   The number one thing on my bucket list; not dying!

   Hey, people who start stories with, "You're not gonna believe this!" Calm down. We'll probably believe it.

   The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.

   I'd like to be an optimist but I know I'd be terrible at it

   "I felt as useful as a juice box without a straw" - Lyrics from my country music song about parenting

   A great goal in life is to never let anyone you know see you removing a hair from your mouth.

   Dude is that Matchbox 20? Turn that up. Said no one ever.

   So let me get this straight, a 747 can carry a space shuttle on its "back", and yet airlines charge for overweight baggage?

   I need to do laundry so bad I'm actually wearing Christmas stockings

   Why are doctors so afraid of apples anyway?

   Teacher told us how Tom Sawyer was a free-spirited tale of misbehaving rascals; then screamed at us to sit still & listen.

   A new study says people who sit a lot die sooner. Basically, if you're a tennis umpire with a roommate who paints portraits, you're screwed.

   My nagging cough just told me I should be helping out more around the house.

   Today is National Stalking Awareness Day so I'd like to give you this pamphlet. I'll just wait outside your house.

   If someone you know has a serious gambling problem just bet them they can't get help

   Doomsday Tip: If you're the last person alive & want to read every book in a library but your glasses break, head to the audiobook section.

   Whenever someone tells me & a friend to "get a room," we DO get a room, make tender love & send Mr. or Mrs. Jerkface a thank you note.

   Relax people, they made holograms of Tupac, Dick Clark can still appear on New Years Eve.