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Well, as far as Timeline goes, something tells me my Great-Great Grandchildren are gonna run across mine and say, "WTF!" 
Somebody asked me if I sleep in my underwear... I answered Depends... probably not the best answer
My 3 year old already has better handwriting than me
I would switch cell-phone providers if one had an "unsend my drunk text" option.
I ope guys who sag their pants thinking those got SWAG, know that SWAG stands for Sex With Another Guy.
Starting next summer, I will be offering FREE GRASS CLIPPINGS to anyone who wants them. Great for compost or mulch, available weekly. You cut, you rake.
It seems there are more men who know how to harm a girl than those who know how to charm a girl.
Remember that movie from the 80's where Robert Downey Jr. blew a guy and then died from a coke overdose? Was that "Gremlins"?
It's SO ADORABLE when my kid's fish sleeps upside down. Because that's what it's doing. Sleeping upside down. At least until I go to Petco.
A smart person realizes how stupid everyone else is and gets depressed. A very smart person realizes how stupid everyone else is and gets rich.
does the name Pavlov ring any bells?
North Korea is retiring all size 3 women's shoes and size 87 sunglasses in honor of Kim Jong Il's death.
You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example
thinking about how I'm going to pop the question and I think I'm going to do it in a simple manner and ask with a straight face "So hunny...what's for dinner?"
Ladies: If I hit on you please don't panic, I am a bachelor and that's what bachelors do.
Given that St. Valentine was a 3rd century Roman Priest who was stoned and beheaded, wouldn't a more appropriate celebration of the evening be taking one's steady gal to witness a brutal murder?
Whenever I realize a girl likes me, my first thought is, "What's wrong with this woman that would make her like ME?"
Wife playing Words With Friends: "How is SLUT not a word?"
Where do you keep your booze? I keep mine in my liver, like normal people.
Oh, your boyfriend has swag? That`ll pay your bills in 10 years. 