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Beauty, brains or emotionally stable. You only get 2 guys so choose wisely!! 
I'm way too horny to be this unattractive.
Girls are not that complicated? Dude, girls are a jenga crossword puzzle combined with a Rubic’s cube strapped on a terrorist who is screaming you in a language you don’t understand.
I drink a shot of whiskey a day as a toast to the great life I've lived. I finish the bottle for other reasons.
Nothing!!!!! ~ Women who are FINE
A smile is like tight underwear, it lifts your cheeks
Be the reason she gets that 8th cat.
therapy is expensive...vodka is not. need I say more....
My morning alarm tone is The Price is Right loser music
I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
Easter this Sunday....The one day where I can say "I am putting all my EGGS in one basket!
Men resolve a fight with a fist fight. Women resolve a fight with years of backstabbing, name calling, rumor spreading & social exclusion
How are you still single ?? - people who don't know me too well
Hey kids, see those cool Red Bull commercials? Yeah, that ain't gonna happen...
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
Watching the kids play hide and seek in the park,,, and mine just hid behind a chain link fence.. at least I don't have to save for college
Here's a list of the things I have to look forward to today: 1. - 2. - 3. 4. - 5. Drinking after work
If someone invites you hunting don't ever fall for the" put on this antler hat. It will attract deer."
I burned my mouth on my pizza and I feel this is a strong metaphor showing me that the ones we love can hurt us the most.
I dream of a universe where world leaders rush to comment on entertainment news as quickly as entertainers rush to comment on world affairs. 