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I sometimes pee in the shower, and my girlfriend says that's only ok if I'm actually taking a shower. 
cheating is such a harsh word,i prefer "outsourced sexlife"
I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.....
Today I connected all the freckles on my a$$ it's spells out MAMBO#5.. Clearly I am The Chosen One...
People at work always ask me, Sean- how can you stand to sit so close to that space heater, you have to be burning up- I tell them I was married once and enjoyed the time I spent in Hell
Facebook - one more way my mother can make sure I haven't died in the past 24 hours...
When someone says to me "I know what you're thinking," I'm so happy, because I have no idea.
I may wear my heart on my sleeve but I'm changing that shirt soon.
there ever a day when mattresses AREN'T on sale?
I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
GOOD NEWS EVERYONE,,, Comedy Central has just secured the rights to show all of the NY JETS regular season.
I'm playing a girl in fantasy FB this week, I have to pick up ray rice, he gives me the best opportunity to beat her.
I was addicted to porn but I was able to beat it.
When someone over 40 tells me they've never been married & have no kids I don’t question them…I just pat them on the back and say well done!
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Ladies, if he calls you crazy don't react to it by acting all crazy..
I've come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
Sometimes when I see an airplane passing over I just wish I were on it and didn't care where it was going.
October 13, 2000 was the last full moon on Friday the 13th. The next will be October 13, 2049. Check your facts SULLY.
"What the h*ll is wrong with you, if I wanted a loser I would have married Tony Romo" ~ Giselle to Tom probably 