Funny Status Messages

   met this girl at the pub and she told me her ‘sex was on fire'. She lied. But ironically, now it burns when I piss.

   OMG!! I'm not going to click on that link to see what that dad posted on his daughter's wall! Its spam people, stop the madness!!!

   as of today I will no longer use "lol" after my comments or posts...I will now use "snicker".

   thinks that swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.

   I hate it when people tell me I look young for my age because it implies my age is old.

   so really..what was Meatloaf talking about when he sang he'll do anything for love, but he wont do that?

   dressing up as a ball player for the NY Mets for halloween. I figure I won't need a uniform either since at this time of the year, they are all wearing street clothes now anyway

   I sometimes pee in the shower, and my girlfriend says that's only ok if I'm actually taking a shower.

   cheating is such a harsh word,i prefer "outsourced sexlife"

   I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.....

   Today I connected all the freckles on my a$$ it's spells out MAMBO#5.. Clearly I am The Chosen One...

   People at work always ask me, Sean- how can you stand to sit so close to that space heater, you have to be burning up- I tell them I was married once and enjoyed the time I spent in Hell

   Facebook - one more way my mother can make sure I haven't died in the past 24 hours...

   When someone says to me "I know what you're thinking," I'm so happy, because I have no idea.

   I may wear my heart on my sleeve but I'm changing that shirt soon.

   there ever a day when mattresses AREN'T on sale?

   I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.

   GOOD NEWS EVERYONE,,, Comedy Central has just secured the rights to show all of the NY JETS regular season.

   I'm playing a girl in fantasy FB this week, I have to pick up ray rice, he gives me the best opportunity to beat her.

   I was addicted to porn but I was able to beat it.