Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
The government and a duck have something in common. They both can stick their bills up their (_|_) :) 
As a country we should let our children lead us into the future. Mine just made a pop-tart sandwich.
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
How TF is Easter, April Fools, and Rent Due all on the same day?!
My dog and I have the same schedule: 6 AM: Wake up 7 AM: Eat breakfast 8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn 9 AM: Play 10 AM: Nap
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays. I think about that a lot.
I have no clue what's open or closed anymore. I just walk towards automatic doors, and if my face hits the glass I turn around and go home...
A Match(.com), but for socks.
It's really ironic that usually when I have to show my driver's license it's to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA JUST WALKED BY YOU WHILE YOU WERE STARING AT YOUR PHONE!
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
I was kidnapped by a gang of Mimes earlier!! They did unspeakable things to me...!
Feels like the whole country is on Maury waiting to find out who’s the father.
I’d be so lost without a sense of humor I don’t know how most of you do it
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling* Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
I don’t wish death on anyone, but I do wish malicious glitter on many.
For all my friends that have had to work from home since the lockdowns I bet you haven't once reheated fish in your own home.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel. 