Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
If you want me to leave my house I need three days notice. 
Alcohol...because people annoy me but I'm also lonely
Personal care products for men: This bottle contains body gel, shampoo, conditioner and moisterizer. For women: This bottle contains treatment for your left knee. For right knee products, check Aisle 7.
Mint julep or tequila? Happy Kentucky de Mayo!!!
Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
When I was a kid my parents would say "You'll understand when you're older." Well now I'm older and I still don't understand.
Woke up naked and sweaty and I didn’t even get laid.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet WIFE: those are palm trees
Just sold a lawnmower on Craigslist...last time my neighbor will wake me up on a Saturday morning!
Bad decision: Saying come in to a Jehovah Witness at your door.
Why must we end rivers flowing into the pacific ocean?
Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
No one ever tell you about the amount of heavy cleaning involved in a successful career as a serial killer.
I smoke weed on my porch as a warning to all the other weeds
Why do Troubleshooting Guides always have a resolution for every problem except the one you are having?
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they're crying I can say "Gotham needs me"
I'm "When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head" years old.
What did Sushi-A say to Sushi-B? Wasabi.
If you've ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you've seen me wrapping Christmas presents. 