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An atheist, vegan, and a cross fitter walk into a bar. I only know because they told everyone within 2 minutes.... 
Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.
Hell hath no fury like a women with a nine iron.
giving up Status Updates for lent
pleased that Mr T has spoken out about the whole BP shemozzle. He said, "I pity the fuel".
People ask me... Why do you keep your wallet in your front pocket? I say... I like walking towards money not away from it.
Sex is the best activity in the world...whoever disagrees needs to get some.
trying to figure out how to set my laser printer to stun
loving that 170 lbs I lost when you left.. not only do I look better.. I dont have your extra weight to carry around!
wants to remind you that only dead fish go with the flow
How can this census data be relevant when it doesn't ask whether I have a Palm Pre or an iPhone?
I should go to bed now since I am have no food stamps and need to be at work at 6 am
It's a good thing that not everyone has a smartphone... Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.
There is no relationship I treasure more than my bond with my recliner. We go waaaayyy back!
The only reason why your girlfriend likes your d!ck, it because her momma told her to enjoy the little things in life
Happy Bella - •_• Sad Bella - •_• Excited Bella - •_• Angry Bella - •_• Shocked Bella - •_• Confused Bella - •_• - Twilight
How long should you wait for a reply from someone via text before you assume they've been murdered?
Damn!! My glasses fell in the toilet, now I can't see for sh!t!
We live in a world where the police come faster if you prank call them then if you were to have a serious problem 