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Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet. 
I got all dressed for work and then remembered it's Wednesday and I don't have a job.
It's funny how many streets are named for the kind of trees chopped down to pave them.
I walked out of a club with a girl last night. She slipped her hand inside my jeans, squeezed my c*ck and said, "Yours or mine?" I said, "That's mine."
Even if oil prices go down, I’m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor’s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he’s an a&shole.
I saw a faded sign at the sign of the road. However there was no mention of a love shack.
I just accidentally mixed 'I cant believe its not butter' with my regular butter...now I don't know what to believe
I'm going to start referring to babies as "crypods"
Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing. Knock, Knock. Employee: Who's there? Boss: Not you anymore.
I love the wind.. It's the only time I ever get blown
Never smoke weed and go to a Catholic Mass. It's a pretty long service, you'll get the munches, and end up trying to take communion like 6 times.
Why is 4/21 National Employer Random Drug Testing Day?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
They say Osama was buried at sea because the U.S. would not have wanted there to be a grave site for fear of it turning into a place of worship for bin Laden's followers. I sure hope that all of his followers go to visit him at his place of burial
God said: "I cannot be everywhere, So I created MOTHER!" The Devil Replied: "Even I can't be everywhere, So I created MOTHER-IN-LAW!!!"
If aliens came to Earth to prevent us from destroying the planet, they'd be like, "Oops, too late."
Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one...and got hit by a bus.
graduating from everest is the same as saying "well I'm a loser & I watch BET all day"
Thinks people get mad when you don't use korrect grammar and spelin, because they can't just copy/paste it to thier Facebook. Sorry you had to add a comma, it must be such an inconvenience. 