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People who don't like bacon can never be trusted. 
If you don't believe that Love is Blind. Look at Howard Wolowitz and Bernadette Rostenkowski.
Since I cant afford the gas to go on vacation anytime soon, I'm gonna drink until I dont know where I am!
I always wonder what things went horribly wrong in someone's life that led them to buy a hotdog at 7-11.
(-.-) <--- this is my surprised face when I read about Kim's divorce.
911 gets a call from a blonde saying MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE! the operator says calm down ma'am,how do we get to your house.the blonde says on your big red truck!
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.
Sometimes pissing with morning wood is harder than solving a Rubik's cube.
A wife tattooed "I LOVE U" on her nipples and showed it to her husband. He replied: "This is ur old habit of Putting Words Into My Mouth! "
Has anyone else noticed the plots of "Finding Nemo" and "Taken" are virtually identical?
At the rate I am coughing, I expect a "Six Pack" or an "Brain Aneurysm" buy the end of the week!
Can't wait 'til I'm elderly so I can wear band-aids on my face without shame or explanation.
I don't know who makes more idle threats: Iran threatening the U.S. Navy in the Persian Gulf or Rex Ryan of the Jets threatening to win a Superbowl every year?
Why does it have to be believer versus atheist? Can't we all just look down on those astrology weirdo's?
If I could pick one famous person, living or dead, to spend a day with, I'd pick Kim Kardashian,,and choose dead.
My 1st relationship taught me that men and women aren't all that different. And my 2nd one taught me that my first gf was a tranny.
WARNING: Reflections in this mirror may be distorted by socially constructed ideas of 'beauty'
There are many benefits of being fat over being skinny. Take Buddha, for instance, he was too heavy to be put on a cross, so they told him to just sit there, quietly.
Ladies: Before you marry a guy, ask yourself, "will he be a good killing partner during the zombie apocalypse?"
Midgets that go missing get their faces put on the backs of condensed milk. 