bego Funny Status Messages

   There's always that one person who makes you wanna raise your middle finger every time they speak to you

   Now my friends all hate me because I've been keeping my enemies closer.

   I wish breaking up with someone meant they had to refund all the money you spent on them.

   If people could hear the next five seconds after I hit "end" on a call, I would have no friends.

   I love finding money in my pockets after a night of drinking. It's like a gift to sober me…from drunk me.

   What do you call a girl who expects a guy to do everything for her, make all the first moves, and text her first every day? SINGLE.

   An "ex" is called an "ex" because it's an EXample of what you shouldn't have again in the future ;)

   Old is when your sweetie says, “Lets go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Honey, I can't do both!”

   Skinny = anorexic , thick = obese , virgin = too good , non-virgin = slut , friendly = fake , quiet = rude. You can never please society

   Before Facebook, I had told maybe six people “Happy Birthday,” ever.

   Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?

   Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who's free for the weekend

   I'm not shy, I'm just really good at figuring out who's worth talking to

   Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.

   I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.

   Bit%h If We Break Up... I'm Changing My Netflix Password ... You Ain't Bouta Be Cuddled Up With Anotha Guy On My $8 a Month

   Some of you ask me how I spend my valentines day: Naked, on the floor with a bottle of liquor in my hand, Screaming Adele songs to my cat.

   Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status... After 3 it should default to " Unstable "

   They should make a medal for anyone uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.

   When I say “wow, that's crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven't been listening to a word of your conversation.