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Kim Kardashian's fragrance smells like daddy issues. 
An anniversary is a day that commemorates or celebrates a past event that occurred on the SAME DATE of the YEAR as the initial event. Some people tend to think 1 month is an anniversary. You're welcome.
If I had a dollar for every time I had no idea what was going on, I'd be asking people why they were giving me dollars.
Remember: It isn't murder unless they find a body. Up until then it is only a missing person.
My husband is going out to play poker tonight. I think he's tired of gambling on getting laid at home and losing.
I truly don't understand the needs for ladies 70 and above to bath in their perfume, unless their trying to kill their husband.
"Surprise, surprise, surprise!" - Gomer Pyle, World's Worst Ninja
I get really uncmfortable when people ask embarrasing questions about sex. Like:"Is that it?"
my idea of a situp is when I first get up in the morning
Charlie Sheen get $25,000,000 settlement to not work? I did something seriously wrong with my life
The epitome of laziness is vacuuming your kitchen floor. Yeah, I've done it.
MY wife use to be afraid of the dark..then she saw me naked now she's afraid of the light..
That panic moment when she asks, "is it in?" when it has been in for the past minute. FML
Marriage; the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy a license.
I wonder if Tom from Myspace ever gets lonely and browses Facebook for friends.
I ask Google the questions I'm too scared to ask other people.
I'm aging like a fine wine ... which is to say, I'm building up pressure and about to become uncorked!
I just heard Alicia Silverstone had a son and named it Bear Blu. Now I wonder if it's mere coincidence that she starred in Clueless.
I always use the self-checkout lane to avoid being embarrassed when my card is declined.
The later it gets at night, the funnier everything is. When you're laughing at nothing...it's time to go to bed. 