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My kids are so disciplined they spank themselves. Though I think one of them is starting to do it even when he's not in trouble. 
will never be an Olympic athlete...but I did participate in a Toyotathon once!
China is now entering sperm as contestants in olympic swimming events, claiming they are of age.
"So.....you went to college to get a job and you have a job to pay for college." .....What a great economic system the Rothschilds & Rockefellers created!
When I came home today I brought in a box of tampons and a package of Tylenol... She told me she's not on her period and she doesn't have a headache. Yup, she was tricked into sex again.
Instead of stressing, whining and crying over him, use that energy to get over him.
“I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others”- The phrase that started Facebook
Usain Bolt should be an unlockable character on Temple Run.
In yoga it's called the "downward dog" ... In the bedroom it's called "only because it's your birthday."
When I visit a friend who greets me with "make yourself at home," I kick him out of the house because I hate visitors!
There's only one thing I hate more than lying, skim milk. Which is water thats lying about being milk.
I don't hold grudges or plot for revenge, I will simply send a bunch of Jehovah's witnesses to your door...on a daily basis.
You should say, People neither hate you for your weaknesses, nor for your your strengths; they hate you when you're needy and clingy.
Some hot girl just winked at me with both eyes at the same time. It means she finds me twice as attractive right guys?
how many cupcakes have to die before all these cupcake wars end??
Father's Day; the most confusing day in a trailer park where chances are your father might also be your older brother.
Those dudes who enter air guitar competitions must get mad air pu$$y.
A doctor's 5 minutes is longer than a woman's 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she'll back in be 5 minutes…you're screwed.
Girl Logic: I'd like him a lot more if he ignored and liked me a little less.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding, right? 