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Anyone else hate when there mom says they have to go to bed because it's too late? I mean really mom... it's 9 pm I know you are just looking out for me but I am 35 and I deserve some respect! 
When I ride alone with a random guy in an elevator I'll wait a sec then ask "two man killing spree?"
I'm kinda like Han Solo. Always strokin my own wookie
There's a new product called "Texthook" that lets parents strap phones to strollers so they can text while pushing their children. The most common text message is, "OMG, I just crashed my baby into another baby!"
Do Not Disturb I I am already disturbed enough
took a viagra pill today but it got caught in my throat and not I have a stiff neck.
wonders why, if vegetarian food tastes so good, do they keep eating Turkey-flavored this, Sausage-like that, and Meat-like Balls Marinara?
knowledge is knowing that pepper is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in fruit salad
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. But, if the white runs out, I'll drink the red
I you don't go to other peoples funerals, they won't go to yours.
Cleaning the house while the kids are awake is like trying to rake leaves in a hurricane.
9 out of 10 doctors think that other one is just a hater
Every woman on earth cheats on her man with suitor named Bob. (BATTERY OPERATED BOYFRIEND)
I hate it when your watching the most important part of a movie, and some idiot walks in the room and asks stuff like "who is he" "what is going on" "did that car just explode". Seriously, just watch the movie or get out!!!
Just overheard the guy in the next stall over whisper "get out of me" and then start to cry.... Lord, How I hate Turnpike rest stops.
Gonna rename my ipod to "Madonna is Lip" so when I hook it up to my computer it will say "Madonna is Lip Syncing
If women want equal rights, they can start putting the toilet seat down themselves.
Was the little pig who built his house out of straw some sort of f*cking idiot?
What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?
I texted my girlfriend "goodnight, love you" but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings. 