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Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school? Me: no Therapist: no come on, they must have 
Pokemon GO has done more for child obesity in the last 24 hours than Michelle Obama has in the past 8 years.
Still doubt Bernie Sanders will ever get elected for president in 2016. But his coleslaw and boneless wings get my vote every time.
I'm OK with the French beach laws,, but the KKK shouldn't be allowed to wear their burkas either... *Ya know,, fairness
Besides illegal immigrants, Hillary also has a lot of supporters that died along time ago.
Gary Johnson is now claiming he can see Aleppo from Sarah Palin's porch.
did anyone ever find out what The Rock was cooking? I always hoped it was bacon
Props to Jon Bon Jovi for continuing to keep up with the hairstyles of women his age.
Bar waitress: "ANYONE KNOW CPR?!"... Me: "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!"... Then everyone laughed & laughed. Well, except that one guy.
The scariest words a man can ever hear from a woman are "Notice anything different?"
All the pigeons be like where the eff is everyone??
My body absorbed so much hand sanitizer that when I pee it cleans the toilet...
Pineapple on pizza is as appealing as pepperoni on pineapple upside-down cake.
Sir Roger Moore has died aged 89. His family are said to be shaken but not stirred.
Pray for your enemies. Nothing annoys them more than that.
Why do people share "Lost Dog" posts on FB? Most dogs aren't even on FB.
let a blind guy borrow money tonight,he said he'll pay me back next time he see's me...wait a minute......
I'm always the first one to say "I love you" in a gangbang.
Why does lemonade contain artificial flavors but furniture polish contains real lemons?
If you’re careful, you can eat an entire rack of ribs while taking a shower. 