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Todays advice: If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don't mind it at all. 
After seeing Caitlyn photos, I'm starting to doubt if Lady Gaga is a drag queen.
i think my inner child really kinda runs the place!
I just tossed two almonds in my bag of skittles. So now it's TRAIL MIX, and therefore healthy.
I honestly think my dog feels almost no remorse at how messy she makes my house.
I respect womens opinions until they say they're in a relationship.
Motivate people to talk about themselves, but not to the extent they punch you.
My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.
Wife: You’re a man. Act like one. Me: OK. *scratches balls and ignores the problem*
Why doesn't The Rock just tell us what he's cooking? I can't pair wines like this.
real men don't overuse emojis.
there a term for when a woman wakes you up by humping your face?
diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend, a fat less attractive girl is.
John Boehner and Harry Ried get into a feminine slap fight complete with hair pulling and name calling on the steps of the Capitol. See it tonight at midnight on the season finale of "The Government"
A costume and matching shoes later, my child owes me about $50 worth of candy..
Just think of me as the guy next door. With a telescope.
When in doubt...Turn the music up.
Accept your defeat if your opponent is your future wife.
I always try to see my relatives with love and affection during the Holidays. When I can't I try to see if there is more Bourbon available.
Animals that walk on two legs like humans should wear underwear. 