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How To Prepare Tofu: Step 1. Throw it in the trash. Step 2. Grill some meat. 
I find it ironic that Valentines Day is abbreviated as VD
I got so high once that I had to turn down the tv because I couldn't taste my grilled cheese.
I got drunk last night and decided to do my own taxes. I'm getting back 4 million dollars this year!!!
Dear Pringles, I'm no longer a child and cannot fit my hand inside your tubes of deliciousness. Sincerely, Everyone over 8 years old.
We got an extra day this year. Why did it have to be a Monday?
My wife texted me that she was not wearing any underwear. When I got home she was mad at me because I hadn't done the laundry in two weeks.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
I must have drank more than I thought last night...there's an entire hour that I don't remember!
Back seat drivers are all the same. It's always "This isn't the way to my house.", "Why are we going into the woods?" and "Stop the car and let me out."
Your candy bowl on your desk is the only reason why I come into work on Mondays.
Interesting Fact: 87% of people are happily single because they don't want to share their pizza with anyone.
Ladies, if you want free birth control, try wearing a Nancy Pelosi mask when having sex.
WOW. Someone needs a Happy Meal.
It's English, not 'American English'. There is no such thing as 'American English', there is English and there are people who don't know how to speak or write English.
Angry people who can't take a joke have no idea how hilarious they are to those of us who can
The stupidest, ugliest Presidential campaign in my entire life: House of Cards meets Sharknado...
I just want a woman that will look out for me while I'm shaking the vending machine....
I prefer my water to be frozen into cubes and completely surrounded by vodka and tonic...
life is short…smile while you still have teeth 