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RIP Andy Williams. Cross the pearly gates in style... 
Rumor is Andy Reid is going to coach in KC after mistaking them for KFC......
Look, I'm not saying you’re gay,, I'm saying I've never seen you and gay in the same room at once...
Having hemorrhoids isn't so bad. All of the itching gives you something to do with your hands when you quit smoking ツ
Sometimes its better to remain silent because you are tired of explaining yourself over and over again to the same dumbass person.
I am just one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.
i deserve an alcoholiday
I'm like a kid in the candy store when I shop for my x-mas presents at the liquor store.
I almost got into a car accident, but luckily no one saw me hit the other car
Hopes being pregnant gives Kim kardashian the incentive to stay with a man for more than 72 days
this girl I'm seeing on the side must think I'm a weatherman 'cause she keeps asking if the coast is clear...
Want to hate any song in less than ten seconds? Just set it as your alarm for 5:30 in the morning.
My Dad told me all the kinds of girls I should stay away from. I think my Dad overestimates my options.
You know it's true love when you ask her what she is thinking about and she says "SEX" and you reply "Me too".
Should it bother me how happy my husband gets after my meds kicks in? I actually hear him thankin god for psycho pills!
If you don't have anything nice to say, feel free to come sit with me and we can make fun of people together.
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me
My Life Alert bracelet says.....: I'm Just Napping
I wish FB would charge to create a profile so there wouldn't be so many dumb ass profiles...
Pay no attention to the device around my ankle. 