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One day, I'll start messing with your feelings and you'll get mad because I finally learned how to play your game and beat you at it. 
I wonder when they will put the middle class on the endangered species list.
The number one rule in life "stay in your own lane "and there won't be any accidents.
My GF told me she was seeing a psychiatrist. That's ok, I said; I'm seeing a nurse, a fitness instructor and a college student…
Single, taken, in a relationship; are all just terms. Your status is measured by your actions.
Condoms are cheaper than diapers, remember that:)
When is it a good time to mention that St. Patrick was born in Britain and kidnapped by Irish raiders and taken captive to Ireland as a slave? Not today then?
Wait,, there's a "pro-anorexia" community? That's a thing?.. Oh,, I bet they have the worst luncheons ever.
Toilet paper and my iPhone have a lot in common... both are essential when I take a s$it.
So I heard Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are dating, Now I ain't saying she a gold digger...
The super power I want is to make anyone sh!t themselves anytime... no matter who or where you are...
The tampon aisle... also known as No Man's Land.
I won't be impressed with technology until I can download money ;)
Just been told I'm not sexist. Being sexist is wrong and being wrong is for women.
How come you can't get toothpaste to stay on the brush but you have to use a putty knife to get it out of the sink?
Like if you havent given one thought to our Presidents, just the day off.
Last night when I was drunk I asked my cat if it could talk, it replied! "Me? How?"
While other countries are doubling down on education, we're using chicken breasts as sandwich bread.
What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
Somebody called me 'pretentious' the other day.I nearly choked on my latte. 