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I can't believe that it's almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up. 
A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don’t know how to turn on the dish washer. I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick
Word has it that the virgins in paradise have had enough! They ask, "What did we do to be stuck with these filthy, smelly, violent, brain-damaged jihadists?"
Don't make the same typo I did in a text to my girlfriend: "Having a great time wish you were her."
I have to say... to lie about taking steroids as long as Lance Armstrong did sure takes a lot of ball.
you may have some pretty big muscles but my vajay is the most powerful thing in this room right now
Dear Vancouver: Don't riot because the Stanley Cup Champions aren't Canadians. Riot because Nickelback are Canadians....
Ladies, please for god's sake, there is a big difference between your diary entries and Facebook status updates. We really dont need to be informed about your period, your abortions or that STD you caught over the weekend. Keep that sh*t to yourself.
I wonder if mermaids ever smoke seaweed?
My sandwich told me I was crazy so I ate him, because crazy people don't eat talking sandwiches.
Kyle cleared of all charges, about to exit court room. Judge yells out. "Hey Kid!" Kyle turns around. "You forgot this" tosses him his AR-15. Credits roll. Eye Of The Tiger plays. . .
Scientists are trying to invent Viagra for women. It's been around for years: they call it 'cash.'
I was abducted by aliens once, but after a couple hours the Mexican landscapers let me go.
FACT: there's no manly way to put on chapstick. I usually just make a mean face and hum Tupac songs.
As if people didn't have enough reasons to panic when their doorbell rang... Now we have to worry that it's Ryan Seacrest.
i love how men mock women for being overemotional and then lose their sh1t over a team losing an over-glorified game of fetch
Scientists have discovered a planet that has four sunsets a day. Imagine how frigging tedious Instagram is there.?
Someone called me lazy today I almost objected.
Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here's the bad news. You just wasted it listening to this joke.
It's nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be 