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My school was so tough the school newspaper had an obituary section 
You know you love someone when you talk to them on the phone while you're on the toilet
Lady Gaga was at the White House today. The President was in Kansas, and willing to go further if necessary.
Obama- When we pull our troops out of Afghanistan-its not that we are abandoning you...we will follow you on Twitter
H.O.E.S = HAPPILY OFFERING EVERYONE SEX.
I hate it when you're with MC Hammer and he doesn't let you touch anything
I picked up this chick last Friday night. I'm not saying she's fat or anything, but when I pulled her panties down to her knees, her a$$ was still in them. :(
For those who are upset when they see the word Xmas, just know that the Old English word (12th Century) for Christmas begins with X. The Greek word for Christ (which the English word derives) begins with the Greek letter "chi", or X. So its use is proper
wonders what would happen if he was scared half to death....twice??
blames it on the alcohol.
Tiger Woods is officially black. His wife busted out his car windows with a golf club @ 3 am , & he clammed up when questioned by the police. Welcome back Tiger
Someone please tell Barack I'm BAROKE.
Once upon a time, GIRLS used to cook like their mothers,but now they drink like their damn Fathers...!!!
•I have an amazing ability! I find objects just before people lose them. The police, however, call it theft.
You would think old people would drive a lil faster...I mean its not like they have alot of time to waste..Right?
You may think I'm a loser, but to my goldfich, I'm the god of flakes.
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
I see they have blocked the Internet in Egypt. No more online pyramid schemes then?
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
thinks Diarrhea would be a beautiful name, if it didn't mean diarrhea. 