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For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into domestic violence. 
Failed biology because apparently the answer to "what is commonly found in cells?" Isn't "Blacks and Mexicans"
What's with everybody jumping on this KONY 2012 bandwagon? You know what...I'll care about Africa's problems when there aren't any starving kids in AMERICA. When citizens in my own country aren't homeless, hungry, or unemployed.
Mexico can never get an Olympic team together... anybody who can run, swim or jump is already in the States.
- Video Games don't make children violent. Lag does.
I couldn't reach my oil filter... so I took out the entire engine.
just turned on cartoon network to watch spongebob squarepants, but the screen was all black........Guessing its oil
Dear Vegetarians, you're not doing us any favors, all your doing is eating our food supply. Sincerely, Starving Animals.
I'm inventing a sandwhich made from: 5 hour energy drink, Cialis, some cheese, salami, bacon, & lettuce... I'm calling it the "5 Hour Footlong."
I just ate some generic Frosted Flakes.... They"rrrrreeee alright
People tweeting............ "Damn it's September already?" What TF you thought came after August?! August Jr?
Dear Slut, Maybe if you closed your legs and opened your heart you might actually find true love and know happiness.
If Monday had a face, I'd punch it.
If you can't stay faithful, dont be in a relationship.. simple!
Sorting out your Facebook friends list? Change the date of your birthday and anyone who wishes you happy birthday, delete!
How many blacks does it take to start a riot? Minus one.
Marriage is hard. Marriage is so hard Nelson Mandela got divorced. He spend 27 years in south african prison getting tortured and beaten everyday for 27 years straight. He got out of jail, was 6 months with wife, and said "i cant take this s#it"
Congrats Google Plus on being the new Myspace replacement. RIP facebook
Who you tryin' to get crazy with ese? Don't you know I'm loco?
Escalators never break down, they just turn into stairs 