Funny Status Messages

   I lost 3 pounds over the weekend.but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut

   I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after

   The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

   "When I'm dead, I'd like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole." - Humans

   The toilet roll situation has got so bad I have been forced to wipe with lettuce leaves. I fear its just the tip of the iceberg

   Gas so cheap right now I don't even shake the pump after I fill up.

   Had 21 minutes of doggie style sex last night. That's 3 minutes in human time.

   Not saying that women walmart shoppers have bad teeth. But when the woman in line in front of me smiled. The barcode scanner rang up a set of sauce pans.

   Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."

   I refused to buy my 6 year old nephew a Barbie doll for his birthday because I believe that Barbie dolls give little boys unrealistic expectations. There is no way you could rip a woman’s head off that easily.

   Why is it that kids these days can shift their gender but cannot shift a manual transmission?

   I think if my rich neighbor realized just how awesome of a party he is going to have at his house tonight, he wouldn't leave for vacation.

   It's annoying when you think of an awesome idea or thing to do and within the next few minutes, you completely forget what it was, but the memory of how awesome it was still lingers.

   If these walls could talk, I'd probably stop hanging things with nails.

   I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.

   Ladies, the knight with the shiniest armour has done the least amount of brave or cool sh*t.

   I think there are more pictures of cats in my news feed than people

   I would like to congratulate myself on placing 18,476th in the "Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest!" ツ

   I wish James J. Lee had watched CNN News instead of the Discovery channel.

   If I come into work really early, each time I say "Hi" to whoever is there all I'm really doing is gathering witnesses to justify my early departure.