flinnie Funny Status Messages

   "Hey girls, stop doing that thing with your lips when you take pictures. You're making us look stupid." - ducks

   Corporation tip: Customer support should not sound like you are listening to a Bin Laden tape. I wonder if the FBI was listening in.

   Fact: Most American Caucasians will claim Cherokee heritage as well. Its just easier picking a group that isn't around anymore.

   I will only believe that YouTube truly has everything once I can see Burl Ives song Ham and Eggs on there. You have failed, internet.

   I feel like I am forgetting about something. Oh that's right the titans. I was supposed to remember the titans.

   Turns out, “Dress for the job you want," does NOT mean you should show up to a job interview in footie pajamas.

   Today, I again lulled myself in to believing that I can eat at a Taco Bell without ending up screaming for an epidural from the men's room.

   A new study found polar bears are capable of swimming vast distances. And they laughed when I warned of an aquatic polar bear invasion

   I hope I never become one of those dads who yells, "Shut the door, you're letting all the cold air out!" like some sort of cold air hoarder.

   I am on Buford Avenue and basically ready to wrestle anyone who's up for it. Or even not up for it.

   Shout out to all the hard of hearing people!

   My friend absolutely insisted that I come to her muder mystery dinner party, but then she died suddenly under mysterious circumstances

   What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?

   I feel like we should wait to hear Adele's ex-boyfriend's songs before we choose sides.

   Who do you suppose was the first person to ever kick butt and think, "Hey, I know, I'm gonna start taking down some names too."

   Fool me once, shame on my personal fool-stopper, Reginald.

   Glass blowers always go glass to mouth

   Whenever someone asks, "Can I be perfectly honest with you?" The answer should always be, "No."

   I could be a sports analyst because I'm good at saying "at the end of the day" and "arguably".

   Remember the last rule of Fight Club is, "Most importantly: have fun!"