flinnie Funny Status Messages

   If anyone catches me singing in my car, my immediate reaction is to stare at them until it's equally awkward for both of us.

   Sometimes I think I'm too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop

   My day always feels a lot more productive when I think about all those forest fires I prevented.

   The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.

   Sometimes I text my mom just because the thought of her staring puzzled at her phone trying to find her texts is difficult to resist

   Some nights getting a 3-year-old to sleep feels a lot like trying to kill a Terminator

   I think at this point, the Beastie Boys are more concerned about Medicare coverage. Than the right to party

   I just hung a stocking by my chimney but instead of using "care" I hung it with total disregard for human safety.

   For those of you who don't know me, we haven't met yet.

   The girl at CVS asked if I wanted to "hang out and wait for my prescription" I told her I don't even know you and besides I have a girlfriend

   I never eat in hospital cafeterias. I'm always afraid they'll try to poison me to amp up business.

   You can usually tell which people dressed as mascots on the side of the road are only doing it for the money.

   one of my biggest fears is to look out my window at night and see someone staring back at me.

   I hope you were all good little boys and girls and Betsy Ross brought you all presents. Happy Flag Day to us all.

   I always remember our time together. That's why I'm getting a lobotomy.

   It's completely pointless when someone says "don't forget to save room for cake." There's always room for cake. Always.

   I like to ask the waiter, "What do you recommend?" then stare him down while I order something completely different.

   When I was a kid I wanted a pet giraffe & a working lightsaber, but then I found out about boobs

   Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside

   I don't mean to brag, but pretty much every pot I've ever watched has boiled.