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Remember the good old days when LOL meant "Laugh out loud" and not "I can't think of a good reply"? 
'You have me now', I whisper as I delete all the contacts from your phone.
Listen, you're a great girl. I'm sure you'll find the right filter for your selfies someday.
If some people knew what I was capable of they'd surely be nicer to me.
"More power to him" is the polite way to say "What a freakin' wacko".
If you don't have anything interesting to say, say it in a status update.
Skiing is my favorite way of getting a head injury while freezing to death.
with great power,come's a great electric bill.
would rather have a cure for the common hangover than the common cold.
Love means nothing in tennis, but it's everything in life
How do I stay looking so slim?.... well, once a week I do a 40 hour famine....it's for a good cause.... you should sponsor me....
If the universe wanted me to be thin, food wouldn't taste so good
Daily log Monday morning, 9:49am: I have decided I am done trying until Friday night, I've already been here too long this week.
Every status has the potential to be funny with the proper amount of alcohol and or narcotic.
If you can read, then this status doesn't apply to you.
Seismologists are nothing but a bunch of fault finders...
Sure, I'll dance with your wife so she will stop bugging you to get up and dance. But I expect a fresh beer be waiting for me upon my return from the dance floor sir.
who kicks an owl on the soccer field? and why is it headline news?
Youre never too old to learn something stupid
Why haven't Fruity/cocoa pebbles teamed up with a milk company to make the flavor of milk that has the taste after you eat the cereal 