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I'm gonna go ahead and call this one: lots of babies are going to be born on or around November 8th 
I took two stuffed dogs I had onto the Antiques Roadshow..."Ooh," Said the presenter, "This is a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they'd fetch if they were in good condition?"...."Sticks?" I replied.
When you're an Olympic-size slut, every day is an opening ceremony.
I just bought a television! It's amazing the price difference between a 47 inch T.V. and a 50 inch T.V. is a couple hundred dollars! In real life for an extra 3 inches I would pay thousands!!!
One must respect the "every-other urinal" law. There are 10 open urinals, why would you want to pee right next to another dude?
"The best things in life are me." - Narcissists.
Relationships are all about finding someone that completely trusts you. In other words, naive.
I'm so good at passwords that even I can't log into my stuff.
The day is too short for all the mistakes I have to make.
There's a word for people like you and that word is "leave."
I'm sweating worse than Patrick Ewing
Sandi Jackson just changed her facebook status to taking the kids to Grandpa Jesses house for a while
Girls get so mad when you point out that their stupid friends are stupid.
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
ugh...so much for my iphone 4 neck tattoo.
Jealousy is such a waste of passion.
MiO is the best invention ever. I keep a red colored one on my desk now and no one bats an eye when I drink this vodka and cranberry at work anymore.
If you play Justin Bieber backwards you get hidden messages from the devil himself to pull yourself together and listen to something else.
" a fool and his money ----- are never around when you need a loan......"
I rated my wife's cooking on urbanspoon.. I sure hope she does not see it. 