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If fire escapes were replaced with waterslides people would use them a lot more. 
wishes I were more outdoorsy. Unfortunately, there are bugs outside.
a instant human.........just add coffee
The Orioles have been so bad for so long that MLB is now requiring them to take performance enhancing drugs
I am known for my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around.
When I was little, we used to play a game called "knock and run" where you knock on someone's door and run away before they answered. Nowadays, it's known as "Parcelforce"
Everything happens for a reason. It's just that it's always too late when we find out.
When did "MUST READ" become code for "This is a total waste of time?"
The bird that lives in my backyard has brought chicks back to the bird bath everyday this week. Potential wingman?
I rarely get distracted, but the other . . . .brb.
I know how the saying goes....no pain, no gain. But my philosophy is no pain, no pain!
People like YOU, are the reason why people like ME, need MEDICATION
I feel I'm at my most culturally sensitive when I call Dell tech support and don't scream, "What the **** are you saying?"
the m0ment when someone shaves a beard and you had no idea they were THAT ugly
I have just found out that yelling "I'm gonna scissor you!" at someone isn't as threatening as I first thought...
Of course I have life goals...they just have NHL level goalies blocking them.
3 things that should never be broken. 1. Hearts 2. Promises 3. Condoms. Sometimes the breaking of # 3 causes 1 & 2 to break.”
When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think
Abilify commercials depress me. Is there a version of this pill I can take just to get through their ads?
never drink before a 1st date for confidence. I did once and ended up marrying him. 