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I'm not lazy. I'm just highly motivated not to do anything. 
Ladies: You know by saying you want a man who is good in bed implies that you are also good in bed right??
Nice guys don't finish last, they finish by themselves in front of the computer.
A night of insomnia is always followed by a morning of browser history clearing.
Owen Wilson talks like his mouth is as messed up as his nose.
Currently having an "out-of-money" experience.
Nothing says "Love" like having a ShamWow tossed at your genitals after having sex.
If you watch my marriage in reverse, my wife pulls a knife out of me and gets back together with her ex boyfriend.
Girls who marry for money & guys who marry for beauty are equally robbed in the end.
Happy birthday America, you lovable old geezer!
I'm beginning to think Queen Latifah is not actually a queen.
Sometimes I want to punch words right back into people's mouths.
Hey Friday! How ya been buddy?
I hope someday I will be able to afford an iPhone X... Like the girl in front of me paying for her groceries with food stamps...
Black Olives Matter
Kids today have it so easy. When I was a teenager it was almost impossible to find pictures of the First Lady naked on the internet.
Congratulations to Marijuana for winning more states than Hillary .
... Well ... Yes ... Technically ..... I do think that burning the American Flag is a form of Free Speech ...... All I ask is that you wrap yourself in it FIRST before setting it on fire ....
Getting a bit tired of all of this McCarthyism passing itself off as news in America.
I think ppl should make New Years resolutions for NO MORE SELFIES IN BATHROOMS......Seriously.....you and your toilet are not sexy...... 