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Attention kids in high school: If you're b@#$%ing that Facebook is "becoming myspace".... it's because of you.... please stop b@#$%ing and use facebook for what it was made for... to lurk on other peoples photos 
..and I would have gotten away with it, if it wasnt for those meddling policemen
When someone tries to impress you, it means they're impressed by you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes... and women say the first thing they notice about men iss they're a bunch of liars.
*disclamer* no animals were harmed in the crafting of this status update. Stunt doubles were substituted and all theories were tested on a closed course.
It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size. ;)
Doctors say that one piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life? Well then by MY calculations,, I died in 1853
I asked the attendant for 5 bucks worth of gas, so he farted and gave me a receipt!!
The world is not full of a$$holes. BUT, they are strategically placed so that you are sure to bumb into at least one every day.
"I wasn't that drunk!" Dude, you told my mom you're no weather man, but she can expect a couple inches tonight.
There's no woman in the world more beautiful than the one lying next to you...............at that time :)
It's silly when people say that you shouldn't like them "because they might hurt you." Everyone is going to hurt you. Some people are just worth the risk.
R.I.P to everybody who didn't make it to Christmas this year.
If you are speaking sign language but one arm is shorter than the other, is that considered an accent?
before you judge me, please understand that I don't give a crap what you think.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you??
If you say "Pumpkin Spice Latte" 3 times in front of the mirror, a girl in a North Face jacket, yoga pants and Uggs will appear & tell you all her favorite things about fall, using the words "totally" and "like" nonstop
I went down on my girl for the first time ever today. Afterwards I had a pint of Fosters. Well, I had to do something to get that horrible taste out of my mouth. So I went down on her again.
When one door closes you open it back up...That's how doors work. 