Funny Status Messages

   Dear MTV, I'm gonna start my own TV network called RealityTV (RTV) and play nothing but music videos.

   A guy with a gun enters a bar. "Who the f*ck had sex with my wife?" he snarled. A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets!"

   My Neighbor mows his lawn every Sunday morning at 7:00am sharp! So tonight I'm listing his mower for sale on Craigslist at 11:00pm for only $5.00. That should keep his phone ringing most of the night!..........(sleeping in tomorrow!)

   When she came home I had laid a trail of roses to the bedroom...I had candles lit everywhere, jazz playing in the background and wine chilling with me waiting for her in my robe...now the next thing I need to do is introduce myself......

   Why is it that when I walk into a Walmart I feel like I should give the greeter my ticket for the freakshow I'm about to see?

   Words of Wisdom: it's easier to change a condom than it is to change a diaper

   The hardest thing you'll ever do is watch the one you love, love someone else.

   saw a billboard sign that said: NEED HELP, CALL JESUS 1-800-555-3787 Out of curiosity, I did. A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

   hit a parked car while texting. Even sadder, I was WALKING.

   If you shut off the Internet in the US, we'd overthrow the government within hours.

   Three midgets walk into a mini-bar.

   If you think I talk too much, let me know. We can talk about it.

   Really!!! Kim Kardashian is upset with the Casey Anthony verdict!!! Your father defended OJ Simpson, Thus starting the Kardashian tradition of getting black men off!!!

   I'm a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees

   I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don't know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc'd my new girlfriend who wanted proof.

   Perhaps Bieber wouldn't need to vandalize walls with graffiti if the restaurants that he goes to would offer him a coloring menu with crayons

   My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn't have sex.

   Whoever said, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach" clearly had no idea how to give a stellar blow job.

   If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we're fucked.

   I love Pandas, They're so chill. They're like "Dude, racism is stupid. I'm white, Black, & Asian..."