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Wait, don't eat yet! Let me take a picture of it at an artsy angle, add Instagram effects, and upload it to Facebook! 
If you have to give me CPR and your breath stinks just let me die.
I hate when I mistake my finger for a fry.
I was born at a very early age.
I just got my Kardashian Christmas card. It came with Herpes...
Just yelled at the kids to go to bed, saying "Don't make me come in there!". Which is what I should've told myself during their conception.
Does anyone know what an 'Ofah Queue' is? Because that's what my husband said he got me for Christmas this year.
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.
All women have at least one pair of jeans in their closet that's trying to kill them.
In order to raise awareness of Alzheimer's Disease, I will be randomly deleting people from my facebook.
A friend got mugged coming out of K-Mart and is devastated. I feel the same way because I had no idea I knew people that shopped there.
Your third grade spelling is what really made me laugh!
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
O Lord, give me the superpowers to change the things I cannot accept with serenity. ....Amen.
If there are more guys than girls in a Zumba class, then "Zumba" is just a code word.
Remember the theme song from the Adams family?.. trust me, you will all day ;) dabba-da-bump *snap*snap
Drinking a fifth on the fourth
Pepper spray and a restraining order just takes all of the romance out of the relationship.
I've had a long day. The last thing I need is brown lettuce in my salad
I'm going to take you to the cleaners... After that, the bank & grocery store. Then possibly Arby's? It's totally up to you 