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.... Hey Kiddy's ... Did you know that 47 Years ago the first men landed on the moon using less Tech than it takes you to catch a single Pokemon!!! 
DAMMIT ... Please stop texting me when I'm texting you ..... Now I have to change my text!!
I hope Hillary can unite our country and bring dignity back to....oh, never mind.
Remember, you can see something or you saw something. You can't seen something...
Ladies, ladies, ladies. Seriously, some of your status updates makes me wonder. Maybe you just need to get laid. . .
Fast Food was never intended to sustain a person indefinitely ..... Neither were Fast Food Jobs ....
I can count on half a hand the number of industrial accidents I've had
Once she gets out of the 'spraying my face with mace' phase in our relationship she will get a better understanding of my love for her
Know what more people in this world need?????? Exit wounds.
just seen someone write “10Q” to mean “thank you“ and I wouldn’t even be mad if there was another Noah like flood in the next few minutes.
I don’t think of it as eating grapes, I think of it as preventing future raisins. Some call me a hero.
Sometimes I wish I had more middle fingers.
My kid took his coffee in the shower with him so there's really no need for a DNA test. He's mine.
"Earth" without "Art" is just "Eh".
Bikini season is just around the corner. Unfortunately, so is the taco food truck.
There are teenagers out there that are having unprotected sex but have indestructable cases for their phones. Let that sink in for a moment....
I went in for my weekly visit to my Psychologist. I told him that I sometimes feel like I'm a Cat. He wanted to know how long have I felt that way... I replied, "since I was a Kitten."
A perfect Monday night: 7 pm -- Ahh yes Chinese food!!! 7:15 pm -- I'm so full. 7:30 pm -- Ahh yes leftover Chinese food!!!
I hate my job but it pays for my alcohol and I need alcohol because I hate my job.
You know you are pissed off when Eminem starts to make sense. 