Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
there wasn't a coronavirus until you mofos started making those brooms stand up by themselves 
So,...about these murder hornets, do you send them a list of names or what? How exactly does it work?
My fiancee keeps asking, "Are you even listening to me?" Which is a really strange way to start a conversation
No, Sorry.. I don't watch dancing with the.. who gives a f#ck. .
I miss Paris Hilton..... we had it good in 2002. Too bad you kids are stuck with the Kardashians today.
She texted me, "Are you near your phone" I texted her back, "No" She replied, "well text me when you are!"
I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.
I have a very short attention span. Sometimes I bacon is delicious
My new phone just autocorrected kindergarten to Kardashian. That my dear people, is exactly what is wrong with this world.
Just wondering if you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
"No more Mr. Nice Guy" ~ Mr. Nice Guy's eulogy
I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
If you can't celebrate Valentine's Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...
I can count on half a hand the number of industrial accidents I've had
Once she gets out of the 'spraying my face with mace' phase in our relationship she will get a better understanding of my love for her
Know what more people in this world need?????? Exit wounds.
just seen someone write “10Q” to mean “thank you“ and I wouldn’t even be mad if there was another Noah like flood in the next few minutes.
I don’t think of it as eating grapes, I think of it as preventing future raisins. Some call me a hero.
Sometimes I wish I had more middle fingers.
My kid took his coffee in the shower with him so there's really no need for a DNA test. He's mine. 