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Has anyone found my black box yet? I'm kinda curious to see where it all went wrong? 
can we PLEASE stop using the term “beast mode”? Unless you’re running around jungle, naked, stalking and killing animals with your bare hands and eating them raw, you’re NOT a beast, you’re just another douchebag lifting weights in the gym…tha
It's like my bank account doesn't understand me.
Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 8.
Okay Facebook can we have one special button that prevents anyone from inviting me to their event. Judging by the amount of time I spend on FB, you should know by now I am not an event kinda guy.
En Vogue was so right. I'm never gonna get it.
It is what it is and that's all that it is...excet when it isn't, then it's not.
Dear ex, remember those I love you more fights?? I won..
I love how the best things in life are unexpected
The easiest way to confuse a woman is to give her a choice.
I don't like to boast,, So I don't....... I'm probably the best at not boasting,, Actually... The very best.
Hey evolution, how about a second liver?
I think I'm falling in tolerate with you.
Perhaps the greatest fashion revolution was moving the pads from the shoulder to the bras
The five second rule also applies to wearing sunglasses indoors.
My healthcare policy basically only covers taking off my shoe to twist my sock around a little bit so the seam isn't right under my toe
My body language must be in a foreign language because nobody seems to understand me.
I liked my mirror from 10 years ago much better than the one I have now...
I love a woman that can shoot a gun, but I fear a woman with good aim.
I bet socks and disposable contact lenses have abandonment issues 