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The celebration of single moms on "Fathers Day" kills me! Single moms do some amazing things but keeping a man apparently isn't one of them. 
Am I the only one who gets creeped out at all the solar lights flashing in cemetaries these days?...To me it looks like thousands of corpses are holding up their cigarette lighters waiting for the last song at a Grateful Dead concert to be played.
You don't owe anyone an explanation for who you are.
I hate when people write thing like "b4" instead of "before." It's English, not Bingo.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then He made the world round .........
(╮°-°)╮┳━┳ ( ╯°□°)╯ ┻━┻ *flips table* Who the hell drank my beer!
#HoodTranslations101: "Sh*t just got real" = The situation has escalated to the highest point of seriousness & is no longer a laughin matter
I always though a "Super Moon" was a regular moon but with a little nut sack showing.
wishes I would have got a new cell phone from Santa this year.. This rotary texting is really a drag.
Where is the “good” in goodbye?
on itunes below "Party in the USA" by Miley Cryus, it said "Listeners who bought this also enjoyed, 'Sounds of People Farting into a Mic."
wondering why Band*Aid doesnt make ethnically colored bandages
workin' hard all week to put beer on the table.
Gave a hot guy at the bar a high five, came back over to my friends and said yeah....I hit that.
At what point does CPR become necrophilia?
can hit the snooze button, with eyes closed, while half asleep, in 1.7 seconds, the first try, every time
The sign outside the Burger King that says Now Hiring Closers is obviously spelled with a silent C.
attempting to give a fuck: ███████████████████] 99% Complete... ERROR!: Unable to give a fuck.
I bet the hardest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who's always right.
Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you. Don't kiss an ass if it's in the process of sh!tting on you. 