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Finally got the rest of that Butterfinger out of my teeth that I ate in 2014. 
In 2015 Colorado collected $125 million in marijuana taxes. Unfortunately, they can't remember where they put it.
Do you think Magnum the ice cream bar company and Magnum the condom company ever feud about who's is bigger?
Dr: "How would you say your diet is going?" Me: ... *sneezes and a Skittle come out* "Ummm, Pretty well."
Does shaking the vending machine count as working out?
Someone just said hi to me at the gas pump what the heck is their problem....
The biggest lie I tell myself is 'No need to write that down. I'll remember it.'
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing....
it still called a mimosa if it's with vodka and there's no champagne and it's in a flask and you're in a dumpster?
Corn mazes would be a lot more fun if they would start earlier in the growing season and make it an "All you can eat" corn-on-the-cob-fest
Women keep saying they aren't looking for casual sex. That's no problem. I'll wear a coat and tie. Or even a tux if they want.
I've never done a triathlon but I did accompany my wife to Michael's, Hobby Lobby, & Joann's to find the perfect autumn table setting.
Have we considered that millennials might be so lazy because their generation doesn't have a hit song about taking care of business?
Fellas: Let a woman wear the pants in a relationship. They are coming off later anyways!
cereal is dead to me now....what happened to choosing the best toy
thinking about getting lip plates installed like african tribes, it would save alot of trips in a buffet...load it up, tilt head back..start again
Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
The only thing an optimist and a procrastinator ever need say to each other is 'tomorrow.'
#Facebook will be worth even more someday to the alien scientists trying to determine why humans perished.
I'm kind of scared about what the future is going to bring...Pretty soon were all going to have microchips inplanted in our heads...We'll be able to take and upload pictures just by a blink of an eye. 