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Me: Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone. I hear you call my name and it feels like home. Priest: I don't believe that is an actual prayer... Me: No, but it's like a prayer. 
Common sense is like a deodorant.......The people who need it most never use it..
If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?
I put my pants on just like anyone else; unwillingly.
Seriously Gas stations need to start having Happy Hours O Something of that sort
We have a dog so my husband just installed an invisible fence ... I think
A study says we only use 12% of our brain. Just think how intelligent we would be if we used the other 70%.
Fellas: Let a woman wear the pants in a relationship. They are coming off later anyways!
cereal is dead to me now....what happened to choosing the best toy
thinking about getting lip plates installed like african tribes, it would save alot of trips in a buffet...load it up, tilt head back..start again
Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
The only thing an optimist and a procrastinator ever need say to each other is 'tomorrow.'
#Facebook will be worth even more someday to the alien scientists trying to determine why humans perished.
I'm kind of scared about what the future is going to bring...Pretty soon were all going to have microchips inplanted in our heads...We'll be able to take and upload pictures just by a blink of an eye.
Our argument would be more impressive if either one of us knew what we're talking about.
It sucks when you're trick or treating and someone has a really long driveway that you actually took the time to walk up and they don't have candy.
If you look at your shot glass as half-empty, not only are you a pessimist but you obviously have no idea how to really drink.
I hadn't planned on doing anything today. So far, I am right on schedule!
The hardest part about being Nicolas Cage is that you're having every single emotion all the time.
Women just want to be told they're beautiful. Especially the good looking ones. 