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After all that has happened this year all we need now is Dallas Cowboys win Super Bowl!!!! 
Me: But God, where did the second set of footprints go?.. God: That's when you were dating that psycho. I wasn't sticking around for that.
How I love #Monday. On a different subject. Have you ever met someone for the first time and wanted to buy them a toaster for their bathtub?
Congrats to Alec Baldwin on securing a steady gig for the next 4 yrs.
Running away doesn't help you with your problems, unless your problem is obesity
With great power comes a great Electricity bill
When Thanksgiving is over, you have my permission to listen to Christmas music.
You know your girlfriend is getting fat when she fits in your wifes clothes !
Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today Should have cooked it on aloha temperature
Yes .... Math is Illegal in Kentucky!! 5 People in Kentucky were arrested last night in the latest Math Lab Bust. .... Either that or they're just crappy at spelling.
I wish I loved anything as much as Santa loves rich kids.
My New Year’s resolutions are: 1. Stop making lists. B. Be more consistent. 7. Learn to count.
NEVER EXPECT A WOMAN TO PLAY HER PART, IF YOU STILL HAVE OTHER WOMEN AUDITIONING FOR HER ROLE'
My wife said she wanted to watch Naked and Afraid. So I got naked and she got afraid. FML.
Fellas: Let a woman wear the pants in a relationship. They are coming off later anyways!
cereal is dead to me now....what happened to choosing the best toy
thinking about getting lip plates installed like african tribes, it would save alot of trips in a buffet...load it up, tilt head back..start again
Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
The only thing an optimist and a procrastinator ever need say to each other is 'tomorrow.'
#Facebook will be worth even more someday to the alien scientists trying to determine why humans perished. 