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If you ask what I'm thinking my answer will either be so offensive you'll never ask again, or so entertaining you'll ask again minutes later. 
I am a simple person with a complicated mind.
Things may be in a constant state of change, but I don't give a flux.
I don't leave any room for error, I make mistakes in whatever room I'm in at the time.
my new years resolution is to keep my my new years resolution!
Don't worry about being alone on Valentine's Day. Worry about being alone the rest of your life.
assumes "don't try this at home" really means do it at a friend's house or when your parents aren't around.
looks like there's a position open for an electrician at the Super Dome
Having the worst day ever. There was no Traffic, All the roundabouts I passed were being cleared so fast I had to stop on the side of the road to read Facebook posts
"I'm not usually like this", I whisper as I lie on the floor in the fetal position, at a job interview.
Some people look forward to the morning to have a new challenge. I look forward to the morning to have my cup of coffee.
if you want to make me nervous, tell me that you love me.
All I really need are two things: a lighter, and five minutes of being unsupervised.
it really considered a date if I have to keep tipping her?
I don't have an eating disorder so much as I have a doing the dishes disorder.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
If I was president I’d fine Canada $1k per goose per day for every one they’ve let cross into our country
My prediction for October 2020: The Bermuda triangle starts roaming around the Earth like a giant Roomba.
Let's face it. The first thing a guy does after a woman accepts his friends request is look for bikini pics.
I gotta stop taking that Ambian for sleep. When I went to sleep we all agreed that Segregation was wrong. I woke up this morning and it’s ok again? What did I miss 