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looks like there's a position open for an electrician at the Super Dome 
Having the worst day ever. There was no Traffic, All the roundabouts I passed were being cleared so fast I had to stop on the side of the road to read Facebook posts
"I'm not usually like this", I whisper as I lie on the floor in the fetal position, at a job interview.
Some people look forward to the morning to have a new challenge. I look forward to the morning to have my cup of coffee.
if you want to make me nervous, tell me that you love me.
All I really need are two things: a lighter, and five minutes of being unsupervised.
it really considered a date if I have to keep tipping her?
I don't have an eating disorder so much as I have a doing the dishes disorder.
I get paid to be nice to people at work. Why does everybody expect me to do it for free on my own time?
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
Those Blue Man Group guys need to find some women. I didn’t realize it could spread like that.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Being awake is stupid, nothing good ever comes of it.
I've been hard at work all day today. I accidentally took a viagra pill in stead of my vitamin this morning.
My kids treat me like a god. They ignore my existence untill they need something.
odd that R. Kelly has a 19 minutes song ... usually he doesnt likes it over 18 ...
CEO: Sorry but we're closing the plant and moving to Mexico Me: *looks up from phone 3 months later* Where the hell is everybody?
Don’t be silly. Those bodies were there when I bought the place.
I don't have any Emmys but I Have 2 Grammys ....they're both dead
ATTENTION!!! Heavy rain is on the forecast this week, please use permanent markers for your eyebrows. 