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The doctor handed me a referral note to see a specialist. I looked at it and said, "And I'd like you to see Mrs. Anderson, my 3rd grade teacher... she did wonders for my handwriting!" 
Neighbors have a leash on their tree, but they let the dog run free. Poor tree
best way to start a day is with a happy ending!!
No one is as ugly as his driver's license, nor as good-looking as his Facebook profile pic.
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead....
The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.
There must be something about being a teenager that makes it seem really important to have a whole bunch of sh*t hanging from your rearview mirror.
Doesn't understand the relationship status "It's complicated". Do you introduce them as friend, stranger or complicated?
You can't please everyone, so you might as well just concentrate on me.
Muggers accept all major credit cards.
I wonder if those friends in low places have heard from Garth Brooks recently.
i realized I really dont have to watch games, movie award shows, music award shows or anything else to that effect anymore... all I have to do is come on facebook and I have a detailed play by play of every minute of it right on my news feed!!!!
's dog was staring at him.....So I stared back....he laughed.....I'm scared
Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
there are two types of people in this world, pizza roll people and bagel bites people
..if i.....if I remember new years eve, then there is something seriously wrong.
Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend
wishing he had bought his ex the Toyota Prius she was always wanting!
So put that in your juice box and suck it!
wishes her alarm clock had a rewind button 