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Shout out to trees. You shady motherf uckers. 
ME … What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you ? My Wife... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
If you peel back the foil on pudding and don’t lick the pudding on the foil before indulging in the pudding then I’m sorry to say you’re not cool.
Bartender! There’s ice in my vodka. What is this, kindergarten?
Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won't.
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write to people and pray they cash them at the teller just to make things interesting...
Could I please get the name of the girl who has a problem eating a Popsicle like a normal human being.
I said I don't want to talk to you, I didn't say ignore me. - WOMEN
Accepting a Facebook friend request from someone you follow on twitter is like bringing home your drug dealer to meet your family.
What if your giving a guy a bj in the shower and he starts shampooing and conditioning your hair.
So one of the kids shouted "TIGGA PLEASE!"..... and that's the story of why my wife doesn't let me watch Winnie The Pooh with the kids anymore.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the racoons and squirrels that it can be done.
All Jay-Z's problems have been undone by his brother, Ctrl-Z.
I'm sorry Will and Kate...but every baby born is a prince or princess
A procrastinator's work is never done...
Dr. Seuss could have been the greatest rapper ever.
I just pooped at my girlfriend's house for the first time, and now I'm single again.
if your morning beverage isn't half booze/half coffee, you're doing Saturday wrong...
Oww a dorito just stabbed the roof of my mouth...how could something I love so much hurt me like this.
Some people need to write a book, rather then tell Facebook. 