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A baseball fan is a spectator sitting 500 feet from home plate who can see better than an umpire standing five feet away 
I joined the Tourettes society today. It only took a minute to be sworn in.
I always feel uneasy when Friday the 13th falls on a Monday.
kayaking....makes me wet
iPhone 4: Loses bars when you hold it, gets lost in bars when you don't.
I heard the CEO of AT&T got married recently. The service was great but the reception was terrible.
I know I'm wrong, but I always pull for the men on the Maury Show lol.
Pornography is literature designed to be read with one hand.
JetBlue guy wants his job back. Dude, you can't go up that slide.
I dont say my wife is a bad cook, she just uses smoke alarm as timer !!
i just came back from a mile long walk in your shoes, and I still think youre a douchebag...
You hate me? I didn't even know you existed.
They got smart phones, smart cars and all the smart stuff!! when they gonna start making smart people???
just won the LOTTERY! Not really, just practicing...
Summer Vacation begins to spiral downward when your Dad says "Let's go this way. I know a shortcut."
I AM THE BOSS OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY G.........hang on gotta go , I think I hear my wife coming
Running away from your problems is a race you'll never win.
Someday we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Math teacher: I have 5 bottles in one hand, and 6 in the other. What do I have? Student: A drinking problem?
"I have read and agree to the Terms and Conditions of Use" should be called, "I didn't read the Terms and Conditions of Use but I want to access this sh*t! 