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When a woman cooks you dinner you're either going to get laid or poisoned. 
Kill your haters with kindness. Gift wrap explosives.
Okay, I'm lost... Can someone please lend me Facebook: Seasons 1 and 2 ???
Facing your problems is like facing a bull...either take them by the horns, or run like hell.
Chinese hackers are breaking into fortune cookie printers and changing the lucky numbers to unlucky ones
Lazy rule number 43: can't reach it, don't need it.
I see all these women outside in short skirts. If they don't catch frostbite, they'll definitely catch an STD
In hindsight, allowing girls into our treehouse would have been a great idea.
Doctor Oz: When a woman goes for too long without sex, she loses feelings in her clitoris. You heard the good doctor ladies...
What I expect to see when I pull back the shower curtain: 99% Murderer waiting to kill me. 1% Empty shower
I listen to the first 30 seconds of an accidental butt dial like I'm in an FBI van.
❒ Taken ❒ Single ✔ Depends on how drunk I am.
I'm not going to lie to you. There's a good chance that at some point, I will probably try to do you. That's just how I roll.
This beer tastes like I'm not waking up until the afternoon.
Everytime a toilet overflows a flushed fish gets its revenge.
It's protesting when civil rights are violated. Protesting for not getting your way is called whining.
WOW ... It was actually easy to go to Home Depot today.
If you cant afford a kid, then shut your legs.
Can't afford a Carnival Cruise? just camp out next to a Port-a-Potty.
When people don't know what's going on in your life they SPECULATE....When they think they know...they FABRICATE...AND when they do know.......they just HATE 