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Give a man a fish & he'll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him. 
The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic load
I guess I probably shouldn't have said I masturbate to your wife, but I thought the rest of my Best Man speech was really heart-felt.
This lady behind me is reading what I'm writing while I'm waiting on line in the pharmacy. Can't wait till she .....aaaAAHHHHH! THAT'S RIGHT LADY!!!....Look away!
It’s nice how your Selfies accentuate your instability.
If your girlfriend has $15 and you have $30, your girlfriend actually has $45.
The biggest problem I see with Adele's relationship in her new song is that she needs to stop calling and start texting instead.
Yes, I'm mad. Yes, I know I have no right to be. Yes, I'm overreacting. No, I don't know exactly what I'm mad at. - Women.
Somehow she tracked that fart back to me....and that's how I met your mother.
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" thenmake sure to leave a note to be opened after youdie that says "pray harder next time."
Damn it!! I wish I had some fireworks for the government shutdown tonight.....
No use in complaining about life, you were the fastest sperm, this is your reward. . .
When I was younger I went through a lot of bad relationships. I’m ashamed to admit more than once I’ve let a fool kiss me, and more than once I’ve let a kiss fool me.
You're a party girl until your looks deteriorate. Then you're just a drug addict.
I miss the good ole days when all the children were kept in factories.
So Hillary Clinton is now seen on national TV barking like a dog. I suggest that she may be preparing for "The dog ate my emails" defense.
guess I should've left.."Guest appearance on Cops" off my resume
I bet Floyd Mayweather paid the judges
Most kids are taught the normal 'Birds and the Bee's'! Not me I was traumatized! My father explained it to me by showing me a male and female outlet. To this day everytime I plug something in I get all worked up And dont let even show me an extension cord
Women are like convertibles. They're a lot more fun when the top's down. 