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I believe what politicians say as much as I believe the person who says, "I never got that text." 
I just saved a lot of time in the doctor's office waiting room by walking around with a clipboard and showing people to any empty room. When the doctor showed up, I was the only one there.
If You look in fortune cookie, you are a pathetic fool who seeks advice from bakery products.
I don't hate you, I just don't appreciate your existence.
I am very much an acquired taste. If you don't like me, I suggest you acquire some good taste!
90% awesome (i know its not 100% but I have more awesomeness than Taco Bell has beef)
I saw a sign earlier that said 'Watch Batteries Fitted Here'. I couldn't see the entertainment in it myself.
What happens in Vegas end up on Facebook
Pro Tip: When one of your roomies is having a fight with his girlfriend, always take sides with the girl - that way you'll get first shag if they split.
I advertised on the internet for a wife, I got a 1000 emails saying "Hey you can take mine"
My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!
was just kicked out of Walmart for giving myself a breast exam. Apparenlty I misunderstood the concept of a self check out lane.
That awkward moment when your nose can't decide if it wants to sneeze or continue to make you look stupid… and then not sneeze at all!
I hate trying new clothes on in the dressing room and then looking at yourself in the mirror after putting your old clothes back on.
If you're lucky enough to still have a dad the best Father's Day gift would be to call the guy and ask his advice about something. Anything.
"Be excellent to each other." ~ Bill S. Preston Esquire & Ted "Theodore" Logan
his own bunny rabbit and will name him George and hug him and pet him and squeeze him
The recession is so bad, just today I saw a polygamist with only one wife, got a pre-declined credit card in the mail, and watched a truckload of Americans sneaking across the border into Mexico.
I'm sick of hearing about Lance Armstrong. Is he telling the whole truth? My solution...Have Taylor Swift date him for two weeks and then wait for her next album, the whole truth will be revealed!
It turns out if a person looks into your eyes for more than 6 seconds without blinking, he/she wants to either kill you or have sex with you. 