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When the dryer buzzer scares you so bad you have to do another load of laundry. 
My Ex knows enough to have the Clintons put away . Just putting this out .
The night before the kids go back to school is the grown ups version of Christmas Eve.
I’m already an idiot, I just need a village
think about this. if you put a banana down you have to put it on its side. but if you slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why I don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
I’m going to start following my dogs lead and bite some ankles when you get too close to me.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her. She bought me eye drops.
Think I've been staying home isolating for too long as I just watched a Hallmark holiday Christmas movie in its entirety and I actually thought it wasn't corny.
kicked out of the bowling alley for dribbling again
My Grandmother is telling me a story of how my Grandfather turned into a sex machine after he got Alzheimer’s bc he thought she was his hot new girlfriend and would tell her, “you’re nothing like that hellcat I was married to”
The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence. Is this true? I have my doubts.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
You don't have insomnia, you have a f#cked up sleeping pattern.
Yes, m@sturbation is a pleasant, yet quick diversion. Scratching one's own b@lls however, can provide hours and hours of limitless entertainment. At least that's what my dad says.
I don't hate you, it's just my attitude has some major issues with your personality.
This is nothing but a sausage fest ~ guy working at Jimmy Dean
If you don't have any critics, you probably don't have any success either!
Love is always giving more than you can spare.
If they bought food instead of paints and brushes, there would be far less Starving Artist's. 