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The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence. Is this true? I have my doubts. 
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Drink Bacardi while you workout and call it Bacardio
I hope instagram is still around in 10 years so I can show my kids what my food looked like in 2013
Day 4 of no alcohol: Morale is low. I just drank some eye drops.
Why is sorting "Price: High to Low" even an option
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
So tired I just ignored a fly walking on my face like I was in an 80's hunger commercial.
"Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can't hit a baseball."
I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
College wall posts, Welcome back students. Sex is not allowed in the dorm rooms. The students are like, " Yeah Right "
Forgot to wear my Sons of Anarchy shirt to Walmart again.
I am wondering if female squirrells only get 80% of the acorns that males get
I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night... Not Happy.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Tampax is the newest sponsor of NASCAR. If you're looking for tickets to the Tampon 500, I could pull some strings!
Rapper "Pop Smoke" has died. Please respect my privacy at this time, while I try to figure out who the heck he was.
Every disaster movie starts with the government ignoring a scientist. 