Funny Status Messages

   Some days, I feel like I'm surrounded by idiots. Other days, I realize it's not just some days.

   Daylight Savings Time: I say start it on a Monday at 5 pm. You wouldn't lose the hour on Sunday, and it would shorten Monday.

   Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.

   Watching wealthy politicians who live lavish lifestyles talk about "the plight of the poor" leaves one cold.... and angry

   I don't swim because it's never 30 minutes after the last time I ate.

   Why do people say "Tuna Fish sandwich?" That's like saying "Chicken Bird sandwich."

   Grab one midget and demand their pot of gold and you get labeled a "public nusance". Anyone could make the same mistake.

   There will never be true equality until men have to wear jockey shorts with under-wires that lift and separate.

   Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It's pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.

   Remember that things always get worse before they get better. Unless, you know, you die in the process of it getting worse.

   Remember people, good manners is what separates us from the French

   I just got stripped of 7 of my kick ball titles they found out I had performance enhancer shoes

   Every guy has a soft sensitive side. It's called “I need to get laid and I'll say and do anything to make it happen.”

   Did you know that if you watch Twilight backwards... it's still crap.

   I bought a Sharpie so I could draw abs on my stomach. I guess I got a little carried away 'cause they ended up looking like grill marks on a pork chop.

   FACT: any time someone tells you they're "about 20 minutes away" they're lying. They haven't left yet.

   The baby laughing alone in the back of the vehicle at nothing in particular goes from adorable to creepy after only a couple miles.....

   Some women have mood swings, some have entire playgrounds with slides and merrygorounds and teeter totters. You should avoid those ones, Unless they are willing to have sex on the monkey bars, you can make an exception for those ones...

   Before Twitter we really had no way of knowing which of our favorite celebrities were also total illiterates.

   A TV chef just explained, "it's the heat that starts the cooking process"... Hmmm,, Let me just write that down