Funny Status Messages

   The therapist at my bulimia support group asked if I had anything I'd like to bring up. How insensitive can you get!

   I've been taking my Flintstones' vitamins daily, but I still can't start a car with my feet.

   "We used all our brainwashing techniques and we still lost" - US Media

   It's usually the ones with the dirtiest hands pointing the fingers.

   I'm so old that I remember when people cared for their country and defended the constitution instead of trashing it and burning it to the ground.

   There's a fine line between crazy & free spiirited and it's usually a prescription.

   Some days, I feel like I'm surrounded by idiots. Other days, I realize it's not just some days.

   Daylight Savings Time: I say start it on a Monday at 5 pm. You wouldn't lose the hour on Sunday, and it would shorten Monday.

   Watching wealthy politicians who live lavish lifestyles talk about "the plight of the poor" leaves one cold.... and angry

   I don't swim because it's never 30 minutes after the last time I ate.

   Why do people say "Tuna Fish sandwich?" That's like saying "Chicken Bird sandwich."

   Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.

   When I was kid, werewolves and vampires were scary. Now everyone wants to damn date them.

   I bought a Sharpie so I could draw abs on my stomach. I guess I got a little carried away 'cause they ended up looking like grill marks on a pork chop.

   FACT: any time someone tells you they're "about 20 minutes away" they're lying. They haven't left yet.

   The baby laughing alone in the back of the vehicle at nothing in particular goes from adorable to creepy after only a couple miles.....

   Some women have mood swings, some have entire playgrounds with slides and merrygorounds and teeter totters. You should avoid those ones, Unless they are willing to have sex on the monkey bars, you can make an exception for those ones...

   Before Twitter we really had no way of knowing which of our favorite celebrities were also total illiterates.

   I just got stripped of 7 of my kick ball titles they found out I had performance enhancer shoes

   Every guy has a soft sensitive side. It's called “I need to get laid and I'll say and do anything to make it happen.”