flinnie Funny Status Messages

   to all the dead beat dads that messed up their daughters...thanks! Sincerely every guy that likes strippers

   You say never judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. But sorry, I can't walk a mile in your shoes. Because you wear Crocs. And I won't be caught dead in Crocs. It's actually the reason I judge you.

   4 out of 5 bubble baths result in Santa Claus beards.

   When I was little, I used to sing in the shower. Now, I make life decisions in there

   Peyton Manning's forehead is large enough to show an Imax movie.

   Thanks to all the legal and medical dramas I've watched, I'm pretty sure I'm capable of winning court cases and saving lives.

   Dude, you don't need to add 'I'm Just Sayin' to whatever you just said, since clearly you just said it. Just sayin.'

   Fun thing to do # 86 Leave "this is offensive" as a comment under a photo & never explain why

   Next time you cuddle your cat, remember that her inner monologue is "You know if you died I'd eat your eyes, right?"

   FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't" is not really a good defense in court

   "I'll bring you home something from work" sounds a lot cooler if you're dating someone who works at Victoria's Secret and not Hardee's.

   Dear hot chick I just passed on the street- I wasn't looking at you, you were looking at me. Get over yourself!

   How would you even go about putting 99 bottles of beer on the wall in the first place?

   I wish running scenarios through my mind burned calories.

   I never make fun of kids for having imaginary friends because my imaginary dad would say "Knock if off".

   Autocorrect is like that person who just graduated college and think they know everything.

   Though they are called supermodels, they do not have any super powers. Unless class 2 drug dependency and being very thin is a power

   If you make a wish at 11:11 on 11/11/11 it will come true. Provided that your wish was to waste seconds of your life

   I'm glad there's an "international" sign for choking, because a foreign speaker might think you were just wildly signaling for a turtleneck.

   It seems like it's too early in the week to give up, but it isn't.