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Sometimes all I'm really doing with my life is just trying to make it from one weekend to the next. 
When at a meeting when the boss says "anyone have any suggestions?" Don't say "inappropriate touch Tuesday"...trust me
That rather unflattering moment when she yells, “give it to me now!” when you have been giving it to her to the best of your ability for the past five minutes.
When a woman says "I forgive you", what she really means is "thanks for giving me something to throw in your face the next time I'm losing an argument..."
Grab one midget and demand their pot of gold and you get labeled a "public nusance". Anyone could make the same mistake.
There will never be true equality until men have to wear jockey shorts with under-wires that lift and separate.
I bought a Sharpie so I could draw abs on my stomach. I guess I got a little carried away 'cause they ended up looking like grill marks on a pork chop.
FACT: any time someone tells you they're "about 20 minutes away" they're lying. They haven't left yet.
Some women have mood swings, some have entire playgrounds with slides and merrygorounds and teeter totters. You should avoid those ones, Unless they are willing to have sex on the monkey bars, you can make an exception for those ones...
Before Twitter we really had no way of knowing which of our favorite celebrities were also total illiterates.
All we need to keep us happy - is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done!!!
I'm HAVING A DINNER party tomorrow,how many boxes of cheerios do I need to feed 8 people ..
Social media - keeping people away from each other since 2006.
Kids today will never know the pain of the Dewey Decimal system and how to catalog library books on index cards.
I hear birds chirping. Either I'm up way too late or I've banged my head cartoon style.
Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light
The therapist at my bulimia support group asked if I had anything I'd like to bring up. How insensitive can you get!
I've been taking my Flintstones' vitamins daily, but I still can't start a car with my feet.
Make librarians cry by calling it a "Book Museum" while taking pictures with your iPad.
Manti Te'o's girlfriend confirmed that Brian Williams was on the helicopter 