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If watching the big-screen TV with a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn't have couches at this Best Buy... 
Fart when people hug you.....it makes them feel strong.
Some guy just asked me for the time like its 1993 or something.... "Hold tight my good fellow, allow me to fetch my time piece from my pantaloons"
Fatty acids are just regular acids that take selfies from high angles
Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?
Stop doing permanent things for temporary people!
It isn't you, it's me. It's me wanting to be on top of people who aren't you.
The first joint I hit I smoked behind Grandpa's barn. It made me dizzy, and I coughed a lot. "Don't worry, that always happens with the first hit," said Grandpa. "Try another hit." And you know, he was right!
Have you ever looked at someone and realized "WTF" is always what immediately comes to mind?
4S = for steve?
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
I Helped an old lady cross the street today...had to .she was on my hood..!!!
Its impossible to say the word "ironic" without some idiot saying "don't ya think"...Thanks a lot Alanis Morissette
My million dollar idea: "Homework-flavored" dog food.
I want a job naming military operations. It be great to hear a stoic general talk about how "Operation My little pony" was a success
has decided the best response to "Suck it" is hereby known as "Sorry, I'm not allowed to put small things in my mouth!"
Every day as the years go by I find myself missing a special certain someone from my past. Lucky for me my aim is improving.
We Found Love in a Swollen Face - Chris Brown ft. Rihanna
I have a plan that will give us oil for hundreds of more years. Unfortunately, it hinges on the Earth being shaped like a tube of toothpaste.
The Best Things in life are unseen. That's why we close our eyes when we KISS, CRY, and DREAM. 