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Why is it that everyone is either trying to preserve or disprove who they were in highschool? We were all a bunch of midget dipsh*ts making minimum wage covered in pimples 
Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose...
I never pick up the house phone....But run a mile for the Cell Phone.
Waldo's bangin' Carmen Sandiego right now. Somehow, despite all the odds, they found each other.
Hey. You in the camouflage outfit. I can see you.
I thought I suffered from low self-esteem. Turns out, I suffer from accurate self-esteem.
Cinco De Mayo is just like St. Patrick's Day, except with tequila.
I'm a leader not a follower! Unless its a dark place, then F that, you're going first!
My quest for greatness has turned into a blind fumble for ok.
Women are having sex? Oh geez, I need to tell my wife.
It's like my boss doesn't even appreciate that I'm not drinking on the job right now.
I just put cheese spread on a Cheez-It and now I understand quantum physics.
No Hulu, no ads are relevant to me, because I lack the funds to have any purchasing power whatsoever.
I believe if a tree and a woman fall in the woods....the woman still makes the noise!!
My relationship with my first wife was very psychological...she's psycho and I'm logical.....
Moving-on is like drinking a cough syrup, it tastes horrible but it's good for you.
Tesco Quarter Pounders: The new affordable way to buy your daughter the pony she's always wanted !!!!
Cinnamon only exists in spice racks and strip clubs, that's it!
I'm so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
We have a new Pope! I'm just waiting for Kanye West to jump out on the balcony and interrupt! 